Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
