I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
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