I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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