Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
