we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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