I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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