My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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