I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
