She went from zero to smokin in five shots
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
