Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize