Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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