During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
