We need to start having sex underwater more often.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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