"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize