I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Sorry about my life...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
