Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
All I want is dick and wine.
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