While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
