Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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