Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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