Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
No more Irish car bombs ever.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
