did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
