He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
