Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
