I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
