i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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