why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
