I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I came so hard my ears popped.
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