I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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