once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I will pee on everything he values.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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