so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
