i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
