Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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