I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
someone owes me an orgasm
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Randomize