I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
