True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
