Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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