My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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