You just made me feel so damn special
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
