Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
