I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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