And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
