Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
