Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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