I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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