How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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