I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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