hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
There r osticjed everywhere
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
