i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
