I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
