So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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