I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
