ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
