Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
