He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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