Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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