I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Randomize
