What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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