this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
