I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
