you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
