Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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