i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
