Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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