Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
