I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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